shaydimas's Xanga

unsure

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 02:43:14 GMT

there have been a lot of things that i have been struggling with lately. well to be perfectly honest i think i struggle with a lot of things constantly. some of you may be correct in assuming that this may be part of my melodramatic personality, or that it is me seeking attention. i couldn't tell you what it is that causes the turmoil of life. one thing i know is that today i am choosing to be resilient. trying to resist is worthless. i am incapable of resisting the things that life throws at me.

i am afraid of leaving abilene. but i am going to start the process of leaving here. more that being afraid of leaving here i am afraid of leaving her...we have been together for so long now. many people like to laugh at our situation. please do. we laugh too. we laugh because we are joyful in the situation. we love being roommates and supporting each other. at least i can tell you that i love being her roommate, and love her more everyday.

have you ever felt like you were floating out of control? maybe this feeling isn't like floating at all. i think it is more like free falling, rushing towards the earth without the guarantee of security. security is what i am seeking right now. the more i look for it the more complex it becomes and the more out of reach i find it to be. i thought for a while that i might be close to grabbing it and holding onto it but this morning's horizon proved that assumption to be wrong.

goodnight world. until tomorrow.

i quit!

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 19:43:11 GMT

i don't know why but today i decided that i am quitting again. not life in general but just stupid pointless things...like my honors capstone! i am not doing it. i don't want to. and who gives a shit whether or not i graduate with "university honors" from abilene christian university.

i have a night class this evening that i am wishing i could skip. i am not in a good mood. hopefully the gym will help with that. i am back in the swing of working out....at least i hope i am...

so where is life going...i have no idea! but today i am quitting!

a brighter day...clouds and all

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 01:40:39 GMT

well after falling asleep on the couch last night in an attempt to stay up to read i wasn't feeling too hot...and the morning defnitely came too soon. but today has been a decent day. john mayer continues to be the sound track to life right now. i had a freak out earlier and then me an my co-workers spent the afternoon making each other laugh which is exactly what i needed.

i have a lot of homework i need to get done...and that will come in time...but for now i want to enjoy this fine glass of wine and be happy that my new pastor (jerry) and i are friends on facebook...i mean honestly i am pumped with my new church home. i love the people. they love the Lord. and we all get to hang out together. and now the ultimate...i am friends with jerry on facebook and it confirms that the basis of this life is relationship...lately i have been learning so much about what these things should look like...and how much they sustain me...i honestly think the relationships i have with people are tandem to having relationship with God.

here is a toast to my delightful homework assignments!

there are just those days when...

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 03:53:25 GMT

...i want to squeal when i get an e-mail
...i can't handle my mother's criticism
...i feel nauseous when i am in a room with other people
...i could cry at any moment
...all i want is a cigarette
...i feel like i am five years old
...i can't sleep because i am afraid of nightmares
...i am ready for a new day with new people
...i know that the only sure thing is God

confused

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 21:44:59 GMT

recently i have been in a good place...

at least i thought i was in a good place. i was working and starting school and not missing my friends too much. i was flying solo. then slowly things started to reemerge. things that i had burried. people who were no longer part of my life. people i didn't want as part of my life. they began to dig free from the dirt that i had burried them under...they are now weeds in the dirt that where i want new things to grow.

i am ready for distance. i don't want to be held down by the past. i want to break free from the memories and the daily reminders of the places i have been. i want to start living with the people who matter to me. the people who value me and support me. i want to get out of here...

denver is starting to look like option number one...but that depends on what happens come february...i will wait. i will be patient to take hold of the gift the Lord has given me.

i will seek out my purpose. i will stay calm and focused. i will not cry everytime a weed sprouts...instead i will just pluck it out and continue to nurture those things that are good.

the things God shows us...

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 23:37:43 GMT

if you dont want to hear a story from my childhood than please skip to the next paragraph to read my latest thoughts. as most of you know i was raised in the church and so from the time i could walk i knew the story of noah and the ark. i knew that two by two the animals came to the ark (it wasn't until i was a few years older that i knew that clean animals were hauled in 7's) and i knew that the world was flooded for forty days and forty nights and that eventually the ark came to rest and the waters subsided and that the Lord sent a sign, the rainbow, to concerate his promise that he would never flood the world again. well as a small child living in albquerque new mexico i became angry with God. one sunday after a server rain and flood of our area i told my parents that i was no longer going to church. they asked my why and i explained that God had broken his promise and had flooded the world again. my parents had to explain to me that the Lord hadn't flooded the world, that the world was much larger than our neighborhood, our city, our state, and even our country. i am happy that my parents taught me this lesson at an early age because i feel that there are many people that forget that there is a much greater creation out there.

the reason i bring up this story is because for the last month or so i have been praying that the Lord would give me a sign as to the place that he wants me to be next year. i got that sign today. it was a rainbow...one that reminded me that the Lord has created a much bigger world than what i come in contact with on a daily basis. it was a reminder that i have a strong passion to work with those people and to teach them something about Christ...something that will give them a hope and a future.

i want to move overseas. i want to end global poverty. i want to educate poor children. i want to empower women. i want to stop social injustice. i want to work in refugee camps. i want to work towards a peace that will eliminate those same camps. i want to build the kingdom. i want to be erin...the one created in God's image. the jar of clay that holds part of his grace, majesty and love.

"i will rise from waters deep into the saving arms of God"

it is funny how you forget the little things...

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 17:00:34 GMT

yesterday our new couch was delivered. we put exactly where we had planned to put it all along...but i forgot and ran smack into it in the dark last night...it hurt and now i have a bruise on my knee that will probably prevent me from going to rpm today.

i also realized that i have forgotten who i want to be when i grow up.

so i am thinking about going to nursing school. yes you heard it hear first i am considering going to nursing school so that i can work in for the un or the red cross at refugee camps...i am a little nervous about this idea simply because hard sciences dont come very easily to me...but i think if i decide that it is really something i want to do i can work hard to get it done. i am going to talk to some friends about nursing school and see if it is something i can handle...while still evaluating the peace corps and grad school options. who knows...right now i am about as settled as a leave caught in a west texas wind storm.

i miss my family...i want to go to the family reunion next weekend but i am suposed to be at my roommates wedding in houston...who knows what i will end up doing. here is to making spur of the moment decisions.

hello world...i have returned from the grave

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 21:52:22 GMT

so kat and i moved into the half-way house and are beginning to get settled in. our couch will be delivered on thursday so we wont have to cramp up on the loveseat to watch a movie. we are still trying to figure out a paint scheme for the kitchen/dining/living rooms...it is taking a while but we have a whole year and i am confident in our tastes...it will look good. my room is basically decorated...i need to put up more pictures of mis amigos...which are sorely lacking...other than that i think ihave it mostly under control!

life at work is boring...and unpredictable...i wish i could get a second job so my pockets wouldn't feel so empty...but the hectic life of a staffer means that i never know what my schedule will be.

this weekend officially begins the summer wedding extravaganza...kat and i are going to austin to celebrate the union of preston and shelbi...monday will be the official day that they become SHEL-TONE...congrats y'all! hopefully i will see a number of you at the nuptuals.

like always i have been thinking about relationships...i have been single for a significant amount of time...and i am starting to miss my ex soooooo much...soon he will be in north carolina and then off in the desert somewhere...this will most likely cause me to check defenselik.mil more than once a day as normal. but back to what i am thinking about relationships...i am not going to get married anytime soon..i mean seriously i am not even dating anyone...and so i am going to take advantage of life...i am reconsidering the peace corps...i figure that the Lord can guide me through handling being in a foreign country on my own...plus how amazing would it be to just freakin live in the middle of nowhere doing anything to serve...i need to get back into all of that...my mindset has been so skewed for so long that redirecting it is dificult but i am working on it...

i just finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns which was absolutely phenomenal! I can't say enough about either one of Kohemini's books! recently i bought Infidel the memoirs of Ayaan Hirsi Ali...if you like politics and middle eastern culture you have got to read this...i finished half of it in one day flat...i can't put it down...

i am going to start working on more journals again soon....here is to tomorrow and the blessings the Lord will bring!

i will not relive last summer...

Wed, 30 May 2007 00:04:06 GMT

and the fall will be better. i will not remember nights clutching my knife, searching for a razor, being completely drunk, or crying because of love lost. i will protect myself, i am the only on i can trust to do it.
it is strange to think that this upcoming weekend will mark one year since i found myself falling in love, falling in love with the first person i ever wanted to marry. i do not want to be back there, i cannot be vulnerable anymore. i question whether or not he knows that i felt so strongly, but i am ok with him never knowing. i am ok with the fact that my life has taken new turns and i now have no clue about what i want to do with tomorrow.

work is well, always a little stressful but that is what keeps me on my toes...

i honestly believe that dr. dillman was put on this earth to make our governmental system seem as boring as possible...what he is calling "public service seminar" has developed into four hours every morning that i attempt to stay awake thrilled that i can pull comments out of my butt without having read any of the 150 pages assigned for reading the night before. all in a days work for a college student i guess.

so i hope to start writing more, but that will have to wait until i can get a new computer to replace the piece of crap that failed me during finals!

kat and i move into the "half-way house" on friday...everybody get ready for block parties on westheimer...

to God be the glory great things He hath done!

it has been almost a month...

Tue, 15 May 2007 16:41:02 GMT

wow, i think this is the longest amount of time i have gone without writing. i don't know why it has been so long, maybe because i have been swamped at work, or i have been studying for finals and writing papers, or maybe it is because i am so overwhelmed with thoughts that putting them down is exhausting.

i am starting to read again and i am enjoying it. last night i went to starbucks alone to sit and read for a while, it was nice...except for the guys hitting on me...please guys don't hit on me...i don't like it. back to the reading...i am taking my Public Service Seminar which has proven after one day to be absolutely miserable...and i am required to read about 100 pages a day...this might be tedious or beneficial we will wait and see!

in other news kathleen and i found a new house on westheimer...we will move in the first of june...until them i am living with some girls i don't know in our old house The Mansion...macey and katy moved out and this morning i wish they would have been there...i had a frightful encounter with a roach in my shower and had to sack up and kill it...man i wish katy would have been there to take care of it!

i also made a drastic change to my appearance...i cut ten and a half inches of hair off...yup that is right i sorta look like a boy...but a really really really good looking boy.

i have missed y'all...once my laptop is fixed i will be writing more frequently...but for now we must wait until that day!