unsure

there have been a lot of things that i have been struggling with lately. well to be perfectly honest i think i struggle with a lot of things constantly. some of you may be correct in assuming that this may be part of my melodramatic personality, or that it is me seeking attention. i couldn't tell you what it is that causes the turmoil of life. one thing i know is that today i am choosing to be resilient. trying to resist is worthless. i am incapable of resisting the things that life throws at me.

i am afraid of leaving abilene. but i am going to start the process of leaving here. more that being afraid of leaving here i am afraid of leaving her...we have been together for so long now. many people like to laugh at our situation. please do. we laugh too. we laugh because we are joyful in the situation. we love being roommates and supporting each other. at least i can tell you that i love being her roommate, and love her more everyday.

have you ever felt like you were floating out of control? maybe this feeling isn't like floating at all. i think it is more like free falling, rushing towards the earth without the guarantee of security. security is what i am seeking right now. the more i look for it the more complex it becomes and the more out of reach i find it to be.  i thought for a while that i might be close to grabbing it and holding onto it but this morning's horizon proved that assumption to be wrong.

goodnight world. until tomorrow.

i quit!

i don't know why but today i decided that i am quitting again. not life in general but just stupid pointless things...like my honors capstone! i am not doing it. i don't want to. and who gives a shit whether or not i graduate with "university honors" from abilene christian university.

i have a night class this evening that i am wishing i could skip. i am not in a good mood. hopefully the gym will help with that. i am back in the swing of working out....at least i hope i am...

so where is life going...i have no idea! but today i am quitting!

a brighter day...clouds and all

well after falling asleep on the couch last night in an attempt to stay up to read i wasn't feeling too hot...and the morning defnitely came too soon. but today has been a decent day. john mayer continues to be the sound track to life right now. i had a freak out earlier and then me an my co-workers spent the afternoon making each other laugh which is exactly what i needed.

i have a lot of homework i need to get done...and that will come in time...but for now i want to enjoy this fine glass of wine and be happy that my new pastor (jerry) and i are friends on facebook...i mean honestly i am pumped with my new church home. i love the people. they love the Lord. and we all get to hang out together. and now the ultimate...i am friends with jerry on facebook and it confirms that the basis of this life is relationship...lately i have been learning so much about what these things should look like...and how much they sustain me...i honestly think the relationships i have with people are tandem to having relationship with God.

here is a toast to my delightful homework assignments!

there are just those days when...

...i want to squeal when i get an e-mail
...i can't handle my mother's criticism
...i feel nauseous when i am in a room with other people
...i could cry at any moment
...all i want is a cigarette
...i feel like i am five years old
...i can't sleep because i am afraid of nightmares
...i am ready for a new day with new people
...i know that the only sure thing is God

confused

recently i have been in a good place...

at least i thought i was in a good place. i was working and starting school and not missing my friends too much. i was flying solo. then slowly things started to reemerge. things that i had burried. people who were no longer part of my life. people i didn't want as part of my life. they began to dig free from the dirt that i had burried them under...they are now weeds in the dirt that where i want new things to grow.

i am ready for distance. i don't want to be held down by the past. i want to break free from the memories and the daily reminders of the places i have been. i want to start living with the people who matter to me. the people who value me and support me. i want to get out of here...

denver is starting to look like option number one...but that depends on what happens come february...i will wait. i will be patient to take hold of the gift the Lord has given me.

i will seek out my purpose. i will stay calm and focused. i will not cry everytime a weed sprouts...instead i will just pluck it out and continue to nurture those things that are good.